They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
you will never know the true number of layers
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.