I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
You Might Also Like
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
When he asks for feet pics
Happy Taco Tuesday
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke