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Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.