Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”