When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…