When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
motivation
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Breaking news:
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.