melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.