a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: