interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.