[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.