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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think