My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You Might Also Like
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
shampoo implies shampee
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
#parenting
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”