You saw nothing. I am ham.
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I came this close!!!!
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?