ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet