Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
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When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Strange
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
There’s always that one guy
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full