[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
You Might Also Like
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
hi why am I like this
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.