“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Well, this certainly took a turn
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it