Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.