EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
You Might Also Like
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring