WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.