telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.