It was worth a shot 😂
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When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.