Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
accurate
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.