Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not