‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.