“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
You Might Also Like
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.