The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
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I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.