[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.