Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
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Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Pringles
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.