Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
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Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.