Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
rich people when they have to pay taxes
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.