Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My favorite farside!!
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?