“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.