According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
That’s it.I’m out.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.