I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium