DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
👾👾👾
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.