Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Happy thanksgiving!
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate