WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies