Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
At least try to make it slightly believable
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”