If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.