My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.