Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet