Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out