The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
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It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.