Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
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Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.