If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
How to find Kentucky on a map
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.