WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now