ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
ouch
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Cat.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact