Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.