Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
me irl
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll